Ogre Child: Tales from the Royal Terrorist

Storytime with the O.C.

2011-12-30T23:38:00.003-06:00

Um well... how about one about you writing this...
or how about one about me playing on the computer too.
STOP!
And...
Now the next part of my story is that part or that parts.
(sneeze)
STOP!
(sniff)
How about the Princess got stuck in a monsters hand and Mario was gonna save her.

OKAY. TELL US A STORY ABOUT A PRINCESS...

Once upon a time...
There was a princess and along came a monster and got the Princess. And then the Prince hollared to Mario. Then along the Princess hopped off of the monsters hand and then she went over to Mario. Then the Princess went over to eat some berries. Then the Princess went walking with mario to the house and then they saw a star inside of the house. They shooed him right out of the house.
And that's it. That's all of the story.

TELL US A STORY ABOUT A HORSE...

Okay, but this story has Dora in it.

Along came a horse and her name was Rider. Along came Dora and run and the horse named Rider went to Dora. Dora wanted that horse to go to her house. Down came an arrow and dora picked it up and shoe came past. Then rain comed and Dora and the horse went to go save the horse. Dora went to save the horse and then Rider found the horse. Then the trapper found the horse and he took him right to his house.
And then here come the spider! Then the horse runned away to dora's house.

TELL US A STORY ABOUT A KITTY...

Along came a man and his name was Daddy.
And along came a shoe and the shoe ate the sand.

I thought this story was about about a kitty?

Along came a kitty and she saw some stickers. And now the kitty went to smell flowers and she saw them. She found some candy it was this high! And then the candy's name was chocolate. Now his name is Cont (sp?rhymes with HAUNT?). And then the stickers came alive!! They're walking for the kitty cat!! And now the kitty was running away from the stickers. She went in the house. Somebody was there. Here name was Ogre Child. And Mommy! And there was a Daddy! And that was all the kitty's stuff.
THE END.

Sick People SUCK!

2011-02-23T01:26:00.000-06:00

Do you ever notice what a bunch of babies grown ups are? UGGGG!

I had to go to the doctor because I was sick. Doc checked me out and said, 'Sure enough. Her ears are infected and she might have strep throat." Don't know what that is, but it makes the inside of my neck hurt something fierce! Anyway... that was it. I went home with Daddy and Mommy picked up some medicine for me. Sure, it was a pain in the butt, but the medicine tastes like candy and it must work pretty good because being sick has never slowed me down. I can still throw a tantrum with the best of 'em. Plus I learned real quick that a few 'pathetic' coughing noises followed by a well timed whimper will get you lots of love and sympathy from the 'rents.

So tell me why in the world my parents act like the whole world has come to an end just because they got sick too? GEEZE!! They've been telling me over and over and over that I have to learn to share. Now they're saying it's my fault they are sick because I SHARED!! I swear... these people should have come with a manual!

So yeah... Mommy and Daddy are total losers. They're tired! They're sick! BUT I WANT TO PLAY TAG!!! I want to go jump on the trampoline... (why does it matter that it's 32 degrees out and DARK?) I want to do what I want to do and these people keep telling me they are sick!! Damn sissies anyway!!

So... it's been virtually impossible for me to get on the computer and tell you all of the important 3-year-old things that are going on in my life. Like did you know I get to start school in 6 MONTHS?!?! Like how frigging AWESOME is THAT?!!! Yeah... and I didn't get to tell you about how I've stolen the Netflix 24/7 so I can watch episodes of Garfield OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND ... you still with me? ... OVER again! Or how just to mess with her head, I scream like a banshee any time Mom suggests I try watching something else. And if she MAKES me watch something else, I throw a big pouting fit (while secretly enjoying the new show she picked out).

That'll teach her to get so sick that she can't entertain me on a constant basis!! HOW DARE SHE!!

So yeah! I'm gonna cut this short so I can go get back on the Netflix before Mom gets a chance to come in an change it to her "Lie To Me" show... (WHICH IS UBER-DUMB!... but it keeps her quiet for an hour so I let her watch it when I need to get something important done).

One of these days I'm going to have to hire myself a Parentsitter and have myself a night out with my peeps. I've been cooped up with these sickies way too long. I swear... if they weren't so cute I'd sell them to the circus for a nickle!

It's Never Too Soon To Start a Blog...

2011-02-02T22:38:00.000-06:00

...to publicly document the ridiculous and embarrassing moments that will indefinitely lead to years of therapy.

Please! Like I won't need those years of therapy already. I mean think about it...

...my mother is a self-proclaimed Empress who is plotting world domination.
...my grandmother is a former Queen who ran off to a nursing home, runs a prison, and who's best friends are all hookers.
...my aunt is a brownie eating, Bahama hopping, lush.

I could seriously go on and on. I'm DOOMED!

For those who have yet had the wonderful pleasure of meeting me, I am the wonderful...

the fabulous...

the FABUWONDERFUL...

OGRE CHILD!

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Aren't I just the CUTEST?
Three-years-old and I'm already stashing nuclear weapons under my bed!

As you can see I got my good looks from my mother
(which in her mind indicates all my terroristic ogre traits clearly came from my father's side of the family)

But seriously, I started this blog when I was still in diapers to help keep the grandparents up to date on the 4-1-1 that was my life. Once they moved closer, I no longer needed a blog to serve that purpose. However, I personally think it is absolutely ridiculous that I suddenly don't get a voice in this shit! Suddenly, I'm just the little twit at the mercy of my mother's rambling fingers.

You should all know up front right here and now...
THAT BITCH LIES!!

Do NOT listen to a word she says about me. I'm a sweet angel. She just doesn't know the rules of being a great Mom. She doesn't seem to understand we CAN have cake for breakfast EVERYDAY! I SHOULD get a PB&J every time I want one because I don't like beans. I MUST have her undivided attention at ALL times because I MIGHT do something amazing at any given second. And I do expect her to be equally excited the first, fifth, twenty-seventh, and ninety-third time that I do something new and mundane.

Geeze! I realize I didn't come with a manual, but it should be simple. If I'm throwing a tantrum I clearly did NOT get my way. FIX IT!

But no, parents are just dumb. Teaching that woman how to make me 100% happy is like teaching a Golden Retriever how to fly. She just looks at me with this dumb, give-me-a-treat look. I'm pretty certain she was probably the RUNT of the litter, but she's my only Mom so what can I do about it?

Anyway, I totally have a ton of important shit to do around her. Top of the list is a scientific study on where my mother's noise thresh hold is. I'll start by dragging out every toy in the house that is capable of making an annoyingly ridiculous sound. Wish me luck.